Although they’ve been cruelly emotionally abusive, they’ve promised not to do it again. You love and desperately want to believe they’re sincere. But can and will they truly change?
The good news is that those who have cyclically and callously hurt the ones who love them CAN change. The bad news is that they are rarely motivated to do so. Let’s look at some helpful insight.
Some emotional abusers were taught by family or culture that they are superior and entitled to be demanding. Others endured abuse by a family member, a romantic partner, or someone else. So, when their emotions are triggered, they often have the urge to use old tactics: run, dominate, belittle, or control the ones who love and are emotionally entwined with them. And they usually believe their victims will stay no matter what.
If their harsh tactics were rarely or inconsistently corrected, they became dysfunctional habits used freely and to control those emotionally attached or dependent on them. With minimal consequences, their devastating overreactions and defensiveness continued.
Unless abusers take the necessary courageous steps to heal, they typically continue cyclically hurting their innocent victims. Bullies and abusers have fragile egos, are easily offended, and avoid honest self-evaluation because it is unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
Therefore, the likelihood is low that an abuser will be motivated to change unless they have a conscious spiritual awakening with heart change or realize they are losing the person or situation they value or need.
When victims reach a point of “Enough!” they can either emotionally detach or physically leave an abuser. Shocked abusers may realize they have lost their “power” and much more, and be motivated to change.
If the abuser has said “I’m sorry and will change,” and you are wondering if they are genuinely committed and will change, consider the following indicators:
5 Signs an Abuser Is Committed to Change
Without excuses, defensiveness, blaming, or criticizing the victim, they admit and accept full responsibility for their abusive behaviors. They sincerely apologize and, perhaps for the first time, patiently listen without interrupting the victim.
They do not make demands or conditions, such as, “When you change, I’ll change.”
They sincerely empathize with their victim. Caring comments could include, “I know I hurt you and don’t blame you for being unwilling to stay in this cycle. I understand.”
They seek to make amends for their destructive behaviors immediately. They don’t just vaguely discuss what they’ll “try” to do or make excuses for delays.
They demonstrate good faith and are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. They might offer and do something they do not want to do that would please the other. They do what is needed to build a relationship bond or trust - even if their pride, time, money, or image of perfection is touched.
If a promising-to-change abuser complains, criticizes, minimizes, or is defensive and irritated about making changes, victims should be cautious and wisely maintain healthy boundaries. The prognosis for change is probably grim.
But, if the abuser is willing to engage in the above steps with a humble, positive attitude, they are likely committed to change. Take time to observe closely and fairly.
Comments