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THE SILENT TREATMENT: WHAT IT IS

Writer's picture: Sandy McKenzieSandy McKenzie

Updated: Feb 1



The silent treatment is similar to stonewalling, which is disengaging, avoiding eye contact, ignoring, and refusing clarification. It could go on for hours. “This does not seem to bother men very much, but women’s heart rates go up dramatically when a romantic partner or spouse stonewalls them.” Once either spouse develops into a habitual stonewaller, the (relationship) becomes fragile...”


The above quotes are from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” by Gottman, PhD., the most respected predictor of failed marriages and how to change wounded ones. (Having attended Gottman training, I saw their accuracy.)


The “silent treatment" is worse and used on prisoners of war! Deeper than stonewalling, it involves days or weeks of rejection that create heartbreak and fear. Those who use silent treatments to punish the ones who love them may stay behind closed doors in a separate section for days, weeks, or longer. They may arrogantly announce they’re “uncomfortable” and then reject and abandon the one who loves them most. 


Many learn this cruel technique early, perhaps as a child living in emotionally dangerous or abusive family situations where silent treatment and abandoning were their only defense in highly abusive situations. Adults who have not faced childhood trauma often continue to use this weapon in maladaptive ways by shunning those who love them for ANY reason - jealousy, insecurity, or not getting something on their terms. 


Silent treatments withhold warmth and affection (love) from a reasonable one who loves and cares. There's a sense of entitlement to inflict torture. Their behavior is typically hidden from outsiders, and perpetrators exude charm with all others.


A client disclosed that her husband used silent treatments and only communicated with an occasional cryptic note while she was only 25 feet away! Another, after her spouse left for church without speaking, drove herself. When she joined him, he left the service! The horror stories are endless.


While targets of silent treatments seek understanding and resolution, they can’t build viable relationships with one who disdains them, disappears, and refuses to communicate. Someone said, “Love simply isn’t enough when respect, consideration, and emotional safety are missing.”  


If you're the target of cruel silent treatments, you know attempting to engage rationally and lovingly doesn't work. Remain polite but leave them alone. Release them to be who they want to be.


We can’t make anyone change. Corrie ten Boom, a Nazi war prisoner survivor, reminded hurting others: “No matter what you are going through, God is your refuge and strength.” He is also your protector and avenger; a perpetrator's cruel behavior is between them and the Lord. So, Although they inflict deep pain, pray for them anyway.


Ask God to protect, provide, and fill you with peace and wisdom. Our next blog will explore what you CAN do.


© 2025 Dr. Sandy McKenzie

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