If you are in a relationship with an actual emotional abuser – especially a narcissistic one – and ask for even a small change that could help enhance your relationship, be prepared for a vicious attack meant to condemn, punish, and shut you down. They use explosions of exaggerated criticisms, threats, or icy rejection, silent treatments, and anything in between. Whatever their tactics, they will be dramatic, nasty, over the top, and shocking.
Emotional abusers – narcissistic or not - are typically insecure bullies who feel threatened and insulted by a question or request for change and behave as though they have been outrageously insulted. Regardless of whether a request is gentle, affirmative, and has the potential to enhance closeness, intimacy, communication, or anything else, a narcissistic abuser counters with entitlement and self-righteous anger. They choose weapons they believe hurt you the most. Their emotional violence can be traumatizing.
To maintain their sense of control, abusers twist a loved one's vulnerable request into an excuse for fiery, icy, or sarcastic attacks designed to confuse, shock, and intimidate. Their goal is to tear their target to shreds emotionally. Insensitive and dysfunctional, they are unwilling and too fearful to self-examine or seek insight into their raging reactions that devastate those who love them.
Let’s say Joan (not her real name) longs to connect with her husband for ten minutes a day to share family news, clarifications, general updates, and sad or joyful happenings. But, when she tries, Jack (not his real name) interrupts, changes the topic, criticizes and talks over her, walks away, or interacts with someone or something else. She craves emotional safety, connection, and bonding but is belittled, dismissed, and disdained.
Joan could have stopped sharing news about family and work with Jack, but instead, she optimistically approached him. After opening with affirmations of affection, she gently suggested spending a few minutes daily to share updates. She hoped their communication efficiency and relationship bonding would be significantly enriched.
But, as she began to speak, Jack interrupted with a raging lecture of all the “sins or wrongs” he perceived Joan may have committed through the decades. With clenched teeth and glaring eyes, he spat out one condemnation after another while Joan maintained expressionless eye contact. With incredible self-control, she said nothing. He hoped she would be defensive, but she was quiet and offered nothing to fuel his storm further. After a while, his emotional lashing stopped.
Unknown to Jack, Joan did not receive his cruel condemnations. Instead, her spirit silently prayed for wisdom and protection. Although she dodged further assault, she felt traumatized and numb. She continued her routine tasks but was in protective “freeze” mode. Her attempt to connect with Jack had resulted in an even greater and devastating disconnect!
His attack was a cruel reminder that approaching an emotional abuser – especially a narcissistic one - is dangerous. Trying to develop a bond with someone like Jack can be devasting. Asking a narcissistic emotional abuser to change or help enhance the relationship is almost always a dangerous risk.
Because they fear seeming imperfect or powerless, insecure abusers react with cruel defensiveness, accusations, condemnation, and silent treatment. If you are in a relationship with someone like this, I encourage you to get safe support and guidance from one who understands narcissistic emotional abuse - ASAP. www.sandymckenzie.com
© 2024, Dr. Sandy McKenzie
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