Of the blogs I wrote in late 2024, the most popular was entitled, “If the One I Love Is Abusive to Me, Are They a Narcissist? With all the hype about "What to say" or "How to shut down" a narcissist, readers may become confused, wonder if all narcissists are "bad," or need information about the traits of a true narcissist.
First, having a touch of narcissism does not make someone a “bad” person. While there are levels of intensity for almost anything, many high achievers have narcissistic traits with a dose of showmanship and believe they can attain outstanding goals and get things done. These traits are often fun, inspiring, and valuable.
According to clinical diagnostic guidelines, the Cardinal Feature of a Narcissistic Personality is “Self-centeredness.” The Associated Features include the higher intensity of “Exhibitionism and craving adoration.” Many narcissistic personalities have self-images of power and success, deserving and valuing their achievements. (Although annoying if consistently overdone, these traits alone do not make a person “bad.”)
Some Interpersonal Aspects of a Narcissistic Personality can seem to go the opposite direction and include “Fragile self-esteem, loss of self-esteem when disapproved, and crushed by life’s wounds.” Yet, the Affect or demeanor of narcissists often projects an image of “Nonchalance without expressions of warmth.” It is understandable how a close association with one of these narcissists could keep you walking on eggshells to avoid hurting their feelings or then having to deal with “extensive brooding.”
In more intense levels of narcissism, there is a “striking” lack of empathy, indifference, thoughtlessness, tactlessness, and selfishness. These traits are not typically considered “likable, warm, and fuzzy.” In more extreme cases, “Relationships are seen entirely in terms of what others can give rather than as exchanges.” Sadly, an extreme lack of empathy can seriously harm a relationship. Painful past events and cultural training can also bring an unpleasant element of entitlement.
Goleman (1988) distinguishes differences between “Normal self-interest" and a form of "Self-defeating narcissism:” Here is a sample of his statement of differences:
Normal self-interest “Appreciates praise but does not require it to maintain self-esteem and “After a failure, feels unhappy but not worthless. “Is sensitive to the feelings of others.”
Vs
Self-defeating narcissism “Insatiable cravings for adulation; praise leads to momentary good feeling(s) about self. “Failure sets off feelings of shame, enduring mortification, and worthlessness.” “Insensitive to other’s feelings and needs; exploits others.”
In my humble opinion, being in a relationship with someone who has extreme narcissistic traits would be challenging - and even harmful. But, with milder narcissists, if you have healthy esteem, are solidly confident, don’t take their lack of empathy personally, and appreciate the qualities that some of their narcissistic traits might bring into your life, then you may partner well with them. But, if your dominance and esteem levels are low, a highly intense narcissist can become exhausting so that you eventually feel beaten down and depleted.
Although this article is written to give only an introductory, general overview, hopefully, it will help readers further understand some of the typical traits of narcissism. Use this insight to be aware and consider someone's level of narcissism and whether or not you would flourish in a close relationship with them. Some narcissists could be far too overbearing for you to thrive with them in a close relationship or partnership. But some could bring a touch of inspiration, enthusiasm, and positivity into your life. We're all different. Be aware and true to yourself.
© Dr. Sandy McKenzie, 2025
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