Many who have suffered in abusive relationships have asked if their partner is a “narcissist.”
Both terms, “emotional abuser” and “narcissist,” are often misused. A prevalent tendency today, along with many heavy-handed books and podcasts, is to characterize a mean and hurtful person as a narcissist. And many are. But not all who are genuinely emotionally abusive are narcissists. Although being with someone with narcissistic tendencies can be wearying, they are not all deliberately and emotionally abusive to those who love them. Carefully consider the term before using it too freely.
As with other personality disorders, there can be degrees of Narcissist Personality Disorder. For a diagnosis of NPD, 5 of 9 personality traits must be determined. Some of the milder NPD symptoms include overvaluing their achievements or exaggerating accomplishments and being annoying braggarts, endless show-offs, or the life of the party. Whether the tendencies are mild or severe, almost all narcissists require frequent reminders to have empathy for others.
While I would not want to be in a serious relationship with a narcissist, I feel sorry for the run-of-the-mill ones who need ongoing validation that they are the most influential and powerful people around. Narcissism is often observed in travel arenas when there are delayed flights, long lines, or no vacancies. You may hear assertions such as, “Do you know who I am?!”
There are narcissists with deeper, nastier tendencies, and they may exhibit one or all of the following behaviors that indicate emotional abuse by being 1) deliberately hurtful and controlling, 2) cyclically cruel, and 3) coldly insensitive about the pain they cause you. Emotional abusers can seem “nice” in between their destructive cycles. Then, when you relax, and all seems “good,” they hit you with the shock of an emotionally abusive attack.
So, the far more critical concern is this: “Is the person I love (or in a romantic relationship with) an ‘emotional abuser’?” If so, the circumstances may be heartbreakingly brutal. And, if the abuser is also a full-blown narcissist, the situation can be lethal. My book explains how being a victim of ongoing emotional abuse and anguish can keep you walking on eggshells and affect you mentally, physically, spiritually, and in other ways.
If you are in such a relationship, my heart is with you. Before you become further beaten down, I urge you to contact resources who truly understand emotional abuse and can believe, support, and guide you to overcome and see a better future. Remember, the abuse is not your fault, and you’re definitely Meant for (much) More than this.
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