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4 EMOTIONALLY STRENGTHENING STEPS NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE But Will Empower You and Could Change Your Relationship

Writer's picture: Dr. Sandy McKenzieDr. Sandy McKenzie


Do you feel so emotionally battered that you are ready to throw in the relationship towel? As a counselor, life coach, and chaplain, I’ve seen many marriages on the brink of devastation restored and enriched. On the other hand, some couples lament the pain, do nothing differently, and stay stuck in a downward spiral that eventually destroys therelationship and emotional health of one or both people.

 

Although at first only one person may be willing to change, if the other notices and responds, the couple potentially becomes emotionally healthier. But many linger in a pit of hurt and resentment. The poison of entitlement and insecurity can eventually cause lethal emotional paralysis so that neither one wants to take a first step to improve. Yet, a mark of emotional maturity is doing what is right when one doesn’t “feel like” doing so.

 

Anyone can have too much pride and defensiveness to take consistent steps to fortify a relationship bridge. It is easier to claim, “Nothing works,” wallow in “I deserve better,” and stay stuck in negativity than to risk seeking the fruit of loving reconciliation. You may or may not find the resolutions you desire. But your humble efforts to do the right thing will make you a healthier, better person - regardless of how others choose to be!  

 

I recently urged two couples in distressed relationships to work on these self-improvement moves. The first couple gradually did so, recovered, and became more lovingly bonded. The other couple gave the concept only a brief effort. And their relationship sank like a rock dropped into a stormy sea.

 

If you are willing to apply these skills (based on Biblical principles) for 90 days - regardless of your feelings and what the other person does - you are a rare and amazingly self-disciplined person. These basics can enhance your emotional and spiritual growth and have a positive impact on the other person.

 

1. Critique or examine yourself - not the other person: This step can “feel”distasteful and humiliating, especially when the other person is easily offended (as ‘in the last days’), loud, dysfunctional, bullying, and cruel! Take a break from critiquing, judging, or correcting the other one.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

 

We naturally focus on others’ flaws and excuse our own. Yet, judging is fruitless, andtrying to change the other wastes your time and energy, especially when they’reavoiding you and spewing contempt. If they’re focused only on their own emotional comfort, they’re not willing to look at “self.” Since they don’t want to hear your suggestions or requests, your attempts to reason can trigger adverse reactions.

 

So, begin practicing the directives of Matthew 7:3-5. “Seek to clean your eye first.” You may find only a speck, but consistently eliminating specks could change you and the direction of the relationship, like the rudder of a boat. Scripture urges us to examineourselves first. Doing so will help you grow emotionally and spiritually and prepare you for healthier relationships if the other continues in emotional destructiveness.

 

2. Be humble: This means being patient, kind, and not dishing out paybacks or being “holier-than-thou,” prideful, demanding, or pouty. Don’t be like the abusernor a doormat to be walked on. But remember a Biblical promise: “God opposes the proud and shows favor to the humble.” (James 4:6b and Psalm 138:6) Humility leads to victory! Apologize or just say, “I could have handled that better.”

 

Rather than return harsh words, stay calm. (James 1:19) Tame the tongue. “A gentle voice turns away wrath and a harsh tone stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

 

3. Practice being grateful for any ‘good’ in the other person: “If anything is good, praiseworthy, …. think on these things.” (Philippians 4:8) Thinking about the good lowers your stress. So, express appreciation for anything positive, even small things. Attitudes of gratitude help to develop an ability to see good. If nothing else, notice something that could have a positive effect in the long run.

 

4. Pray for the other person. “Pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44) And pray for your protection and peace. Tell the Lord you release the person to Him. Ask that any hurt or resentment be gone and replaced with mercy and wisdom. Be free.

 

No one wants to do to these when feeling offended, hurt, superior, or self-righteous. Yet the emotional growth resulting from mastering the steps, regardless of what the other person does, has life-long rewards for you.  

 

Note: None of the above are based on subjective opinion. All four keys are from God's How-To Manual, The Bible. They are not easy, since they require looking beyond human tendencies and feelings. Yet, they will change and empower you! The other person will sense “something different, the typical cycle can be broken, and you will begin to have more clarity, peace, and wisdom.

 

Try these and be empowered!

 

© 2024, Dr. Sandy McKenzie

 

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